


So Hard to Find Good Help

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-13
Updated: 2004-03-13
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:12:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: A sequel to the In-Laws for everyone who didn't demand it.





	So Hard to Find Good Help

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

So Hard to Find Good Help

 

 

"Alex, did you pick up my suit from the cleaners?" Mulder asked.

 

"Well, I tried to, but they said the green goo dissolved the counter. They're suing us for damages unless we buy them a new counter," Alex said.

 

"Damn," Mulder said, "Not again. I'm going to have to start sending my clothes out of state to find someone who doesn't know me."

 

Peering over the newspaper, Walter said, "Don't forget we're having Kersh and his date over for dinner tomorrow."

 

"Oh, good, I'll order extra sauce to cover up the taste," Alex replied.

 

Walter truly hoped that Alex was joking, but since he had met Alex's family, cannibalism seemed a real possibility. Walter said, "Look, the director gave Kersh and I orders to get along. Please try to have a good dinner."

 

"You know, I have a lot of homework to do for my class," Alex remarked.

 

"I realize that," Walter said.

 

"Becoming a sex therapist for gay couples is my dream job," said Alex. "After all, I want other guys to be as happy as we are." His smile was so sweet that Walter forgot all about his worries.

 

Alex said, "Speaking of which, I was wondering if you two wanted to help me with my new assignment? I wanted to try out some new positions that help you to prolong erection."

 

The rush to carry Alex off to bed nearly sucked all the air out of the room.

 

OooOooO

 

The next morning after his husbands went to work, Alex had Morticia over for morning tea. He had hand plucked the bella donna flowers to make his sister and sister in law's favorite blend.

 

Steam genteelly pluming from her nostrils, Morticia said, "Alex, dear, you spoil me."

 

"I'm sorry," Alex said, concerned. "I thought you only needed to ice pack at night after the last beauty treatment from the mortician for the stars."

 

"Oh, of course," Morticia said, with a swift check to make sure she was not decomposing. After the first two hundred years, a lady must do her best to preserve her complexion.

 

"Sweetheart, speaking of looks, you have dark circles under your eyes. I think you are working too hard. Let Morticia help."

 

"I have been working pretty hard," Alex said, straining to use a polished teaspoon as a mirror. "And now Walter has a dinner party for tonight. What am I going to do?"

 

"You just let me worry," said Morticia. "It just so happens that Lurch's cousin is visiting. I'm sure he would not mind pitching in."

 

"Thank you," Alex said, happily. 

 

"And Cousin It is free again," Morticia said.

 

"He is? I thought he was dating Scully?" Alex replied.

 

"Oh, my dear, it was so dreadful. He woke up one night with her standing over him with a scalpel," Morticia said. "She tried to dissect him. It was horrible."

 

"Wow, " Alex said, "I guess the stress at work is getting to her. I heard that she showed up in the cafeteria in full isolation suit. She had cooked a piece of suspicious looking liver, over a Bunsen burner. Or at least that's what Mulder said. He could have been bullshitting me."

 

"All I can say is that Cousin It is taking the breakup very badly," Morticia said. "I think you should have him over for dinner."

 

"I don't know," Alex said, "Walter might be upset. I mean some people find Cousin It hard to take."

 

"I know," Morticia said, "It's his fatal charm and his lovely long eyelashes, which you also inherited from Grand-Mamma Medusa."

 

OooOooO

 

Lurch's cousin, Lurk, showed up a few hours later. Like Lurch, he was the perfect manservant, complete with boiled shirt, tuxedo, and perfect aligned handkerchief in his pocket. Alex felt relieved when the man...well, a sort of man took over the kitchen. Lurk was Lurch's Jewish cousin. He was a golem. Mulder would like that. He was proud of his Jewish heritage.

 

The kitchen soon filled with a variety of wholesome smells. Good old home cooking like borscht, Golubtsy, Schi, and Bitochki. The main dish was to be Jarkoye, deliciously tender pork with ragout of vegetables. 

 

Alex went to the liquor store and bought several kinds of vodka. By the time, Alvin Kersch left the house; Alex hoped he would be floating with good will toward Walter.

 

Alex beamed. Walter would not regret trusting him with the dinner preparation.

 

OooOooO

 

Walter lectured Mulder all the way home. In fact, he stopped in the garage to take down Mulder's trousers and paddle him as a warning. Of course, that was a mistake. Now everyone would want a Walter spanking. Walter had better pick up extra aloe for his spanking hand.

 

Arriving home in time to dress for dinner, Walter looked around at a home that was cleaner than he had ever seen it. It wasn't that Alex didn't try, but now every surface gleamed. If there was a dust mote dancing in the sunshine, even it had been polished.

 

The house was full of tempting odors although there was an underlying taint of cabbage that told Walter that Alex was in a Russian mood. Going into the kitchen, Walter found Alex putting the finishing touches to a platter of individual Napoleons. In the hot kitchen, Alex had stripped to nothing more than a heavy apron and his shoes. Walter swatted the sweetly exposed buns playfully and said, "I hope that's not what you're wearing for dinner."

 

Meanwhile, Mulder swiped a still gooey bit of Napoleon and said, "This is good. Are we having Illya too?"

 

"Urrrrrrmnmm," growled the tall, clay-colored creature taking a pot of Jarkoye from the stove.

 

"Who is this?" Walter asked.

 

"Oh, this is Lurk, a cousin of Lurch, my sister and brother's butler. He's helping today although he is also looking for a permanent position," Alex explained.

 

Walter thought that the man looked as if his permanent position really should have been six feet under at a cemetery. Mulder had his eye on the golem and seemed to be searching for the traditional bit of old testament that supposedly would put him to rest. 

 

"Eavelay ethay olemgay aloneway. Ou'llyay offendway ethay inlawsway," Walter said. Fortunately, he had a minor in Pig Latin from the Rupert T. Firefly School of Law. He had graduated with onorshay. 

 

"Alex..." Mulder started but then gave up. He was just glad that the Peacock family wasn't in the kitchen. Mrs. Peacock was in a family way again in all senses of the word.

 

"I'm sure that Lurk is an excellent butler and cook," Walter said, tasting a bit of the Jarkoye. "Mmm, just like Mom used to make before Dad exiled her to Siberia."

 

"And I thought I had the dysfunctional family," Mulder said.

 

"We better go dress for dinner," Walter said, "especially you, Alex." 

 

His almost naked husband smirked as he remembered all he was wearing was an apron.

 

The three men left the golem to his own devices...a battery charger, a rack, and an electric shock machine. With a few doilies over them, Walter hoped that Kersh wouldn't notice the play equipment. An unfortunate accident with the plumbing had left the playroom flooded. Alex had stocked it with alligators in a fit of reversion to family type so all the play equipment was in the kitchen. 

 

OooOooO

 

Kersh's friend was a stately Army captain of the female type. She was dressed for the evening in a beautiful fatigue patterned strapless gown. Her Captain's insignia were tattooed on her shoulders. 

 

As they sat down to cocktails, Alex's drink having a real cock tail instead of an olive, Captain Major Harris (Her parents were army to the core and they really expected to have a more senior offspring.) said, "So I expect that I don't ask and you don't tell."

 

Walter shrugged. The last two people who had harassed Mulder and he about their relationship had finally turned up...in six states.

 

"It doesn't affect my work," Walter said. "And Mulder is actually an ambassador now. His real father turned out to be a high ranking Grey."

 

At that point, the doorbell rang, Lurk shambled over to open it, wrenching if off its hinges. A high-pitched babble announced itself and Walter winced. Not Cousin It...

 

More squealing incomprehensible words followed. Mulder said, "It's all right, It. Scully isn't here. She's on vacation. Scully is very sorry about the way she severed your relationship. Funny, I never thought of her as such as a cut up."

 

It handed its hat to Lurk, but retained his sunglasses. Walter was relieved at that. Without the glasses, he couldn't tell one end from the other of the hairy creature.

 

"My cousin It," Alex said.

 

"Another alien," Kersh said, "I don't believe in them."

 

"He's not an alien," Alex said, "He's a natural born US citizen. He votes religiously even though I keep telling him that the Pope can't run for president."

 

Kersh held his glass up for another drink. By the time, they made it to the dinner table; Kersh was three sheets to the wind and coming on like a gang bluster.

 

Swaying gently, Kersh ignored his beautiful date to devote himself to the dinner and glaring at Mulder. Every once in while, he looked at Alex and said, "Traitor."

 

Alex muttered, "I just forgot to tell you when I switched sides again. Mulder found just the right words, red rover, red rover, send Alex right over. I couldn't resist."

 

Meanwhile, Captain Major was flirting outrageously with Cousin It. Walter thought a military wedding was in the offing. He hoped he would be invited. He just loved all those crossed swords...it was so erotic.

 

Hours later, Kersh was gently snoring in his plate, a bottle of vodka clutched like a teddy bear in his arms. Alex softly tucked a sprig of parsley behind the Assistant Director's ear and blew him a kiss.

 

Walter grabbed Alex by his cute little ear and dragged him up the stairs, swatting him the entire way. When they reached the bedroom, Walter jerked down Mulder's trousers and spanked him for laughing at Alex's predicament, after which he read to them from the Kama Sutra by the rich red light of their well-spanked butts.

 

After making love, all three of them were sleeping heavily until the sound of a spanking woke Walter. He looked about wildly, noting that both of his lovers were sleeping soundly and HE was certainly not being spanked.

 

As soon as Walter tried to sit up, he woke Alex and Mulder who both looked at him with dazed expressions. Then both pairs of ears perked at the sound of a spanking.

 

At the steady thump of a steely hand on a firm ass, Mulder said, "Oh, my, I would rate that about an eight and a half on the discipline scale."

 

Quickly scrawling a number on a piece of cardboard, Alex held up a nine.

 

"Yes, but who is being spanked?" Walter said. He hadn't been made AD for being unobservant.

 

"We shall see," Mulder said.

 

"When we get there," Alex added.

 

Down the stairs, Walter had a sinking feeling as he saw Alvin Kersh sprawled across Lurk's still neatly pressed trousers. The golem's face was solemn, but then it always was. 

 

"My ass is grass," Walter said.

 

"That's okay, I like to mow it," Mulder comforted.

 

The stupendous spanking ended as the three men intruded. Golem helped Kersh up, straightened his clothing for him, and patted him in a comforting way. A moment later, Kersh said in a breaking voice, "Skinner, turn this in to the Director for me. Tell him...my personal life takes precedence."

 

And thus Alvin Kersh gave up his job for love. 

 

He was never heard from again, having entered the vast silent ranks of the kingdom of Lurkdom.

 

Walter, Mulder, and Alex, of course, lived happily ever after.

 

The end


End file.
